The Complaint
“I’m so angry I could just blink,” thundered the god.
Clenching his fists, Lucius glared at the large viewing window that hung on the wall. Inside the window could be seen a red sun and three planets.
In a fit of anger, Lucius kicked the empty cart in front of the window, sending it to crash into the wall. His shimmer radiated a fiery red aura three feet in every direction, painting the walls and ceiling of the small import company in the color of his anger.
Lucius’ assistant cringed. His boss had become more volatile with each passing day. “What’s wrong now?” he asked.
“I haven’t had a delivery for days. The farmers are burning their crops and leaving their villages. I’m getting nothing, and it’s ruining my business,” Lucius growled.
“Why would they do that?”
“How should I know? I think I got a lemon world.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to take it back, that’s what I’m going to do.”
Lucius grabbed the viewing window, pulling it roughly off the wall.
The next sound was the slamming of the door as the angry god stormed out, the viewing window tucked securely under his arm.
««««
Fifteen minutes later, Lucius was pacing The Business’ lobby, waiting for Titus.
Titus’ career with The Business had begun as a builder, and by all accounts his building skills were excellent. But what most impressed his bosses was Titus’ way with people, and how easily he could persuade them to accept his ideas. When the Sales Department had an opening, Titus had been recruited as a sales engineer where he delighted his new boss with his ability to help customers select the best universes for their needs.
Lucius was shown to a small conference room. After a few minutes, Titus came in, accompanied by an elder goddess. Lucius did not recognize her, but she was clearly an elder, her tight shimmer and the way she glided across the floor being proof enough. Both the elder and Titus wore somber expressions, and their shimmers showed concern.
After everyone was seated, the goddess began the conversation, “Lucius, my name is Miriam. I am the Warranty Officer here. I understand there is some sort of problem.”
“This universe is the problem,” Lucius declared putting the viewing window on the conference room table. “Like I told Titus, it doesn’t produce what I was promised. I want it fixed.”
“In what way is it broken?” she asked.
Lucius drew in his breath and pointed his finger at Titus, “He promised me a universe that produced guid-peppers and maganoons. But I haven’t had any guid-peppers in weeks. It’s a complete dud.”
Miriam turned to Titus. “Why don’t you tell me about the project?”
“Well,” said Titus as he looked through a folder, “Lucius came in 817 years ago and asked us to build a standard universe. Said he wanted to produce guid-peppers. He said they were popular, and he wanted to capitalize on the demand. He also wanted a second crop of radoots, but environmental conditions were not conducive to growing both crops on the same planet. We talked about building a second planet for the radoots, but he said he didn’t want the additional cost. We talked about other crops that would do well on this planet, and he settled on maganoons.”
Turning through a few more pages, Titus continued, “Magus was assigned as the Walker, and he signed off on the final product. See?” He pointed to a signature at the bottom of a page full of check-marks. “Delivery was made on the date promised.”
“Why do you say it’s a dud, Lucius? What’s wrong?” asked Miriam.
“It produced fine for a while, but now all I get is maganoons. That’s not the important crop. What I need is guid-peppers, and it’s not producing them.” Lucius’ shimmer displayed flickers of red.
“Did you ask your people what the problem was?” asked Titus.
“I can’t. The guid-pepper trading post has been abandoned, and the people are scattered. I can’t find any of my trading partners.”
“Were you paying them properly?” asked Miriam, trying to avoid an accusing tone in her voice.
“Of course, I was. That wasn’t the problem,” Lucius said with some irritation.
“I have to ask,” she continued, “did you do anything to cause a natural disaster or other cataclysmic event on the planet? Anything like that automatically voids your warranty.”
“No,” said Lucius as the red flickers in his shimmer grew into ribbons. “Do I need to get my attorney involved?”
“Oh, no. I’m sure that won’t be necessary. What exactly do you want us to do at this point?” she asked.
“I want you to fix it right away. I paid for an extended warranty. My customers are upset because they’re not getting their products. And so am I.”
Miriam glanced at Titus, who nodded his head and pointed to the Extended Warranty Agreement. “We guaranteed the planet would produce guid-peppers and maganoons for one thousand years. It’s still got another 183 years to go.”
Miriam took the warranty agreement and looked it over carefully. “It appears to be in order. Very well, Lucius. On behalf of The Business, I accept this return under the terms of your warranty. We will begin our investigation and do whatever is necessary to restore your universe to the production quotas as called for in our agreement.”
***